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I have a dilemma. I'm a newly single mother (since April last year), and am quickly approaching the first real "kids going away to stay with their father" stage.
My ex (hereafter refered to as "the douche") has only seen the children once since last June. You see, the douche is in the military, stationed in Georgia. After the demise of our marriage (more on that later), I moved up to Indiana where my mother and sister live. I had been a military wife for over 10 years, moving around every couple of years. I have attended 4 different universities, but have no degree yet. I worked all different kinds of jobs at each location, and didn't mind moving too much. I actually found it exciting for the most part. I felt like my marriage was worth it. BOY WAS I WRONG!
We got married really young, but everything seemed to be working. Sure, we had rough patches, as every couple does, but we had two children and, seemingly, a lot of love for one another. Even though he was in the military, he'd worked mostly at hospitals, and hadn't been deployed at all, so there weren't any of the long separations that plague so many military families. In November 2006, though, he had to go down to another military base for training and was gone for 6 weeks. This seemed like an eternity at the time. It was around Thanksgiving and Christmas. I was working full-time at a very stressful job at this point. I think that's when it all started. He seemed really distant over the phone, but I attributed it to the miles and difficult training he was going through. When he came back, it was only a few days till Christmas. There wasn't the usual excitement. He was very subdued throughout the holiday. He started a new job when he got home, and was put in a higher position, even though he hadn't changed rank. It seemed like his superiors were putting him on a fast track for promotion.
A few months after he came home, I noticed that he was being very secretive about his phone. He used to leave it out sitting on the counter, and if it rang, would ask me to answer it. Now, though, he was keeping it with him at all times, and when he'd get a phone call, sometimes he'd go into another room or outside to talk. If I asked who it was, it was always "someone from work". And if I asked him to turn the phone off, he'd say, "I can't, I'll get in trouble if someone calls and can't get a hold of me". All throughout this time, he was staying at work later and later, and seemed to never be home. I attributed it to having more responsibility at work and more stress. When he was home, he was sleeping or staying upstairs in the bedroom rather than spending time with the family. Again, I thought it was just stress.
In April of last year, I had to get my wisdom teeth removed. All four at once. He didn't even come with me. I had to get someone else to take me that day. He said he had to work, couldn't get the day off, when in actuality he hadn't asked. By the end of the month, we were fighting constantly about his secretiveness and how I felt like he was hiding something. He would always deny any wrongdoing, saying that I had not reason to suspect him of cheating and that he'd never given me any reason to doubt him, etc.
One day, we'd gone to the movies. His phone vibrated, and he got up and went outside the theater to answer it. This ticked me off, since we'd just had a fight about the stupid phone calls at all hours, but I didn't say anything. I was determined to have a good day. Then it happened again. By the time we left the theater, he'd had 3 calls. Still, I was trying to stay upbeat and positive. Then, as we were driving home (about a 5 minute drive), and talking, his phone rang again. AND HE ANSWERED IT!!!! That showed me how unimportant I was to him. When we got home, I went upstairs and shut the door and fell asleep. I woke up 3 hours later, and there was no sign of him. He just left. No explanation, nothing. He didn't come home for 2 weeks. He didn't even say anything to our children (now 12 and 8), just disappeared.
When he did come home, it was usually just to pick up a few things here and there, and would tell me he was going to come home eventually, just needed some space, all that bullshit people always say. There are so many terrible things he did during this time, but I don't feel like they are necessary to repeat here. It was almost exactly a month to the day he left when my entire world collapsed.
He had come to the house one night to watch the boys because I had to work late. I was happy because I hadn't had a break from doing all of the running, cooking, cleaning, etc. for a long time. We got to talking and ended up in bed. I took this as a good sign, that maybe he was finally going to stay home. I went downstairs because I had to go somewhere that night, and saw his phone sitting on the couch. Should I or shouldn't I? The need to know was too great. I picked it up and looked at the screen. Two voice mails and a text. I punched the buttons and listened to the first message. A guy from work. I was relieved. Then, the second. A woman's voice. "Baby, where are you? Hurry up, I'm about to go to bed. I love you". Total punch in the gut. I forced myself to look at the text message. It was basically the same thing. The name on the number in his contacts had his last name attached. MY LAST NAME!
He was still lying on the bed when I confronted him. Of course, he said it was nothing, just a joke. Please don't tell anyone, he could get in trouble. The jackass even gave me her full name. I can't even describe the horror I felt at this discovery. The anguish. There would be many more revelations as the months went by. One was that the douche had taken my children to this (let's call her cunt) cunt's daughter's birthday party. He made a pretense of wanting to stay together, but I knew it was a lie. In June, my kids came to Indiana to stay with my mother for the summer so that I could work. He saw the kids maybe 4 times between April and June.
Because the douche and the cunt are both in the military, when it got out that they were together, their superiors wanted me to testify at a court martial. I refused, though. Even though it would've felt good in the short term, the damage to my children (and her child) would've been too great. I left Georgia and moved to Indiana in August. When I did talk to the douche, he assured me that the military had moved the cunt away and they weren't in contact anymore. The divorce went through pretty quickly, with him not fighting anything my lawyer suggested. We were divorced by November.
He came to see the kids in December, but only for 3 days, and he left on Christmas Eve. He hadn't seen them since June and could only give them three days. He calls very sporadically, and when he does, doesn't talk for long with the boys. He and I pretty much only correspond via email, as it is too frustrating to actually speak with him. I noticed when he brought their presents out of the car, they had cunt's name on them, too. They had been together the whole time. He didn't explain anything to the boys about who she was, other than that she was his girlfriend. I then found out that he had taken her and her daughter home to his family for Thanksgiving. I'm still pretty close with most of his family, except his mother, who believes every word he tells her, so I can get info if I ask for it. I found out on my own in January that he married the cunt at some point.
Now for my dilemma...the boys are supposed to go down to visit him for spring break in 2 weeks. He still has not explained to the kids this woman's role in their life, nor in his. I'm afraid of how hurt they'll be when they go down, thinking they're going to be spending a week with their dad, and she and her daughter are there. It seems to me that he basically traded families. How do I broach this subject with my kids without looking like an asshole?
I don't want to project my anger at him (and her for that matter) onto them. I've never met this woman, haven't even seen her in person (although I know what she looks like naked, thanks for that). For all I know, she's a very sweet, caring person (?) who was lied to about his situation. I want her to be good to my kids, I want them to like her, just like I want them to like the person I'm dating. I think the best I can do is give the douche and the cunt the benefit of the doubt this time. If they hurt my children, though, all bets are off. GRRRR!
My ex (hereafter refered to as "the douche") has only seen the children once since last June. You see, the douche is in the military, stationed in Georgia. After the demise of our marriage (more on that later), I moved up to Indiana where my mother and sister live. I had been a military wife for over 10 years, moving around every couple of years. I have attended 4 different universities, but have no degree yet. I worked all different kinds of jobs at each location, and didn't mind moving too much. I actually found it exciting for the most part. I felt like my marriage was worth it. BOY WAS I WRONG!
We got married really young, but everything seemed to be working. Sure, we had rough patches, as every couple does, but we had two children and, seemingly, a lot of love for one another. Even though he was in the military, he'd worked mostly at hospitals, and hadn't been deployed at all, so there weren't any of the long separations that plague so many military families. In November 2006, though, he had to go down to another military base for training and was gone for 6 weeks. This seemed like an eternity at the time. It was around Thanksgiving and Christmas. I was working full-time at a very stressful job at this point. I think that's when it all started. He seemed really distant over the phone, but I attributed it to the miles and difficult training he was going through. When he came back, it was only a few days till Christmas. There wasn't the usual excitement. He was very subdued throughout the holiday. He started a new job when he got home, and was put in a higher position, even though he hadn't changed rank. It seemed like his superiors were putting him on a fast track for promotion.
A few months after he came home, I noticed that he was being very secretive about his phone. He used to leave it out sitting on the counter, and if it rang, would ask me to answer it. Now, though, he was keeping it with him at all times, and when he'd get a phone call, sometimes he'd go into another room or outside to talk. If I asked who it was, it was always "someone from work". And if I asked him to turn the phone off, he'd say, "I can't, I'll get in trouble if someone calls and can't get a hold of me". All throughout this time, he was staying at work later and later, and seemed to never be home. I attributed it to having more responsibility at work and more stress. When he was home, he was sleeping or staying upstairs in the bedroom rather than spending time with the family. Again, I thought it was just stress.
In April of last year, I had to get my wisdom teeth removed. All four at once. He didn't even come with me. I had to get someone else to take me that day. He said he had to work, couldn't get the day off, when in actuality he hadn't asked. By the end of the month, we were fighting constantly about his secretiveness and how I felt like he was hiding something. He would always deny any wrongdoing, saying that I had not reason to suspect him of cheating and that he'd never given me any reason to doubt him, etc.
One day, we'd gone to the movies. His phone vibrated, and he got up and went outside the theater to answer it. This ticked me off, since we'd just had a fight about the stupid phone calls at all hours, but I didn't say anything. I was determined to have a good day. Then it happened again. By the time we left the theater, he'd had 3 calls. Still, I was trying to stay upbeat and positive. Then, as we were driving home (about a 5 minute drive), and talking, his phone rang again. AND HE ANSWERED IT!!!! That showed me how unimportant I was to him. When we got home, I went upstairs and shut the door and fell asleep. I woke up 3 hours later, and there was no sign of him. He just left. No explanation, nothing. He didn't come home for 2 weeks. He didn't even say anything to our children (now 12 and 8), just disappeared.
When he did come home, it was usually just to pick up a few things here and there, and would tell me he was going to come home eventually, just needed some space, all that bullshit people always say. There are so many terrible things he did during this time, but I don't feel like they are necessary to repeat here. It was almost exactly a month to the day he left when my entire world collapsed.
He had come to the house one night to watch the boys because I had to work late. I was happy because I hadn't had a break from doing all of the running, cooking, cleaning, etc. for a long time. We got to talking and ended up in bed. I took this as a good sign, that maybe he was finally going to stay home. I went downstairs because I had to go somewhere that night, and saw his phone sitting on the couch. Should I or shouldn't I? The need to know was too great. I picked it up and looked at the screen. Two voice mails and a text. I punched the buttons and listened to the first message. A guy from work. I was relieved. Then, the second. A woman's voice. "Baby, where are you? Hurry up, I'm about to go to bed. I love you". Total punch in the gut. I forced myself to look at the text message. It was basically the same thing. The name on the number in his contacts had his last name attached. MY LAST NAME!
He was still lying on the bed when I confronted him. Of course, he said it was nothing, just a joke. Please don't tell anyone, he could get in trouble. The jackass even gave me her full name. I can't even describe the horror I felt at this discovery. The anguish. There would be many more revelations as the months went by. One was that the douche had taken my children to this (let's call her cunt) cunt's daughter's birthday party. He made a pretense of wanting to stay together, but I knew it was a lie. In June, my kids came to Indiana to stay with my mother for the summer so that I could work. He saw the kids maybe 4 times between April and June.
Because the douche and the cunt are both in the military, when it got out that they were together, their superiors wanted me to testify at a court martial. I refused, though. Even though it would've felt good in the short term, the damage to my children (and her child) would've been too great. I left Georgia and moved to Indiana in August. When I did talk to the douche, he assured me that the military had moved the cunt away and they weren't in contact anymore. The divorce went through pretty quickly, with him not fighting anything my lawyer suggested. We were divorced by November.
He came to see the kids in December, but only for 3 days, and he left on Christmas Eve. He hadn't seen them since June and could only give them three days. He calls very sporadically, and when he does, doesn't talk for long with the boys. He and I pretty much only correspond via email, as it is too frustrating to actually speak with him. I noticed when he brought their presents out of the car, they had cunt's name on them, too. They had been together the whole time. He didn't explain anything to the boys about who she was, other than that she was his girlfriend. I then found out that he had taken her and her daughter home to his family for Thanksgiving. I'm still pretty close with most of his family, except his mother, who believes every word he tells her, so I can get info if I ask for it. I found out on my own in January that he married the cunt at some point.
Now for my dilemma...the boys are supposed to go down to visit him for spring break in 2 weeks. He still has not explained to the kids this woman's role in their life, nor in his. I'm afraid of how hurt they'll be when they go down, thinking they're going to be spending a week with their dad, and she and her daughter are there. It seems to me that he basically traded families. How do I broach this subject with my kids without looking like an asshole?
I don't want to project my anger at him (and her for that matter) onto them. I've never met this woman, haven't even seen her in person (although I know what she looks like naked, thanks for that). For all I know, she's a very sweet, caring person (?) who was lied to about his situation. I want her to be good to my kids, I want them to like her, just like I want them to like the person I'm dating. I think the best I can do is give the douche and the cunt the benefit of the doubt this time. If they hurt my children, though, all bets are off. GRRRR!
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